Meow?
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that’s really how it is
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Well, that should do it
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.