Meow
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The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest