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George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
For the ones in the back.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.