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It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
This rocks
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
pep talk
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.