Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

All food is good if you spell it wrong

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.