Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.