Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Do not levitate over flowers
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
🔦🌙👣
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
