Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

genius

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.