Meowchelangelo
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Oh, I bet you would be
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this