Meowchelangelo
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If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Those are good neighbors.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps