Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
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*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
This made me chuckle.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this