Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?