Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

I’m literally crying

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

I believe the plural is “milves.”

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.