Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings