Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Orange cat behavior 😂

Ladies, why y’all do this?

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”