Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.