Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

The only good comments section online is on recipes

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?