Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

Best spoiler warning ever

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

OMG 🤣🤣

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.