Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.