professor x: yes, i can read minds


professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

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“Did you do your homework?” “Did you grade my test?” “I have other student’s tests to grade.” “I have other teacher’s homework to do.”


I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.


Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?


*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*


Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.


Foreigner: I wanna know what love is..

Me: It’s a feeling you get when..

Foreigner: I want you to show me..

Me: Ok, like wow. We just met


I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.


My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.


[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.


FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30