me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
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Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Me too, bag. Me too….
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.