Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop