me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”