Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what