Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.

One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.

The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.