Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Never be a pizza!

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there