Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
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Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
be careful
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.