Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
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He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.