Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.