I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
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So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant