Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

did it work

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.