#merica
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[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Why font matters.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.