#merica
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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest