Merica.
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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?