Merica.
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Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura