Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.

ME: A John Dough

HER: Get out!

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.