Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

My dad teaching me to drive

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat