Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
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The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.