Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.