Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

Knock Knock

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect