Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.