Called it
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whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Harsh but fair
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Who.
Did.
This?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.