Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
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My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Managing expectations
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Overindulged this afternoon.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
The pen is writier than the sword.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works