Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
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Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I feel seen
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!