Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

man i love columbo

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.