Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book