Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions