Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
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Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
About to form my very first opinion
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once