Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”