Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.