Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

They’re stuck in your pants?

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.