Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

This meal prepping shit is easy

You are what you delete.

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’