merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
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Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.