merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
#polloftheday
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed