Merry Christmas
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*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
(Jupiter –
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
So glad we cleared that up
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀