Merry Christmas
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Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
