Merry Christmas
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[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
going to bed
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life