Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
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Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.