Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
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Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”