Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
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Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
The median voter
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.