Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
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I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Anime is real
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.