End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
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Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.
*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.