The main reason I got divorced is because I got married.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..
That’s how the fight started
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
None of this is appropriate for anybody. Take the 18+ out of your bio.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met