Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
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IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”