@OakHill_

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

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@Freudianscript

Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.

@OakHill_

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

@robfee

Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

@AndyAsAdjective

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

@SadFaceOtter

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

@mattZillaaaa

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

@skickwriter

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids