@ADDiane

Merry Christmas

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@prufrockluvsong

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

@PhilJamesson

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

@Cryptic1iam

Female dragonflies will fake their own death if faced w/ unwanted attention from a male dragonfly.

You can learn so much from nature

@robyn_vo

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

@LeBearGirdle

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

@juliussharpe

Facebook’s “People you may know” should be called, “People you definitely know and have been avoiding”.

@SvnSxty

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

@urmumsausername

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

@plumbur

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.