Merry Christmas
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After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Simple enough.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.