Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
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You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105