Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
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BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
What do you hear?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.