Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
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Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Somebody call the cops.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”