Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
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I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit