Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
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him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.