Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

それは草